Over the years, we have faced difficulties in trying to resume our lives after a loss, as there are multiple factors involved, especially the pain of grief.
Your grief is as unique as you and your relationship with the person or being who died or is gone.
Moving on, re-socializing, and dating in the midst of that grief is just as unique an experience. And the question arises:
Am I ready to socialize again?
This question comes in several forms: How long is a widowed person expected to wait before they start dating? Is it too soon to start socializing again after the death of my spouse? I met someone I like, but I feel guilty about dating, does that mean I'm not ready? I haven't started dating and it's been years since my spouse passed away, is something wrong with me? People keep telling me I should be interested in dating, but I'm not. Do I have a problem? The list of questions can be extensive.
In addition to your own thoughts, you've probably received messages from others. From "you need to start socializing" to "it's too soon to go out, you should at least wait..." these comments are often not helpful. Remember: there is no set time; there are no easy ways to determine if you are ready. It takes "readiness," although the idea of "being prepared or ready to..." in itself can be misleading. It sounds simple, but it doesn't magically happen that one day you wake up "ready." In the midst of the pain, there will be good days mixed with bad days, and over time (and hopefully), the good days will begin to outweigh the bad.
Rebirthing After Loss: My Journey of Healing Grief and Hope
There will be days when you feel completely ready to start socializing, interspersed with days when you're convinced you'll never be ready to do so. And often, these days are interspersed with thoughts of "I don't think I'm ready at any point, but I don't want to spend the rest of my life alone either." Oh, and you may feel ready to socialize, but not ready to get into a relationship. These are two very different things. Don't worry, feeling like everything is a complicated mess is normal.
Coping with Loss: Strategies for Regaining Your Happiness
And along comes another recurring question: on average, when is someone ready to start socializing? Sorry, there are no averages on this topic. There are people who imagined they would never socialize again or would wait years, but suddenly feel like it after a couple of months. Others who thought they were ready to socialize quickly discover many years later that they are simply not interested or ready. Some people decide never to socialize again. There is no prediction, no statistic, and no "normal." When it comes to grief, your emotions can be all over the place. So, when considering whether you are "ready" to socialize after a death, a loss, try to get rid of any preconceived notions you have about how it should be (whether they are your own ideas or those of your friends who are pressuring you). The best thing to do is to stop, become aware of how you are, how you feel and how your body is doing.
*Permission to Make Mistakes: Compassion & Flexibility
Mourning and Rebirthing: Transforming Grief into Growth
If you're reading this article, I'm sure it's stirring a part of you and leading you to self-reflection about dating after a death or loss. But even with all the thought and care in the world, we still misjudge our own decisions, feelings and thoughts. I suggest you be compassionate and cautious, start out socializing thinking you're ready and suddenly realize you're not. You wouldn't be the first person who, after a loss, is left with a sense of regret and doubt after leaving, thinking or saying, "Wow, I wasn't ready to start socializing! What was I thinking?!?" You won't be the last. Don't panic. Just because you start socializing doesn't mean you can't give yourself a break. You can wait and wait and wait and wait and wait and wait, finally start socializing and realize that you were probably ready sooner than you thought. That's okay too. There is no manual for these things. We're all doing the best we can with what we have at the moment.
Overcoming Avoidance in the Grieving Process: How to Approach and Heal
Is this Avoidance?
Yes and no. It is part of human nature to avoid pain, both physical and emotional. If we can find ways to escape pain, we often will. And what is an easy way to avoid pain? Avoid it, of course! When the pain of grief is new and overwhelmingly unbearable, dating can seem like an attractive way to avoid feeling lonely, isolated, sad, scared, and so on. And it's not just a distraction. Meeting someone new, flirting, having physical contact, having sex: all of these trigger the release of a large amount of dopamine in our brains. Dopamine is a neurotransmitter that generates euphoria (the same one we release when we drink or take drugs). The lure of that rush of feel-good chemicals, coupled with some distraction, can be very tempting. When everyone is looking at you with pity and asking if you're okay, an online date with a stranger who knows nothing about you can seem like a real relief! So, if you feel "ready," but also feel like it's too soon to be ready, consider whether avoiding your emotions is a factor.
And what about avoidance even after a lot of time has passed?
Over time, even after years, the decision not to date can be a form of avoidance in and of itself. I don't know if you've heard this, but even without pain, dating can be complicated. Add the emotional weight and complexities of grief to that mix and it can be easy to say "forget it." If it's been a long time coming and you want to meet someone, but feel overwhelmed by the logistics, this could also be avoidance. Maybe you don't want to face telling (or bothering) your kids or in-laws. Maybe the idea of dating makes you feel guilty and you don't want to deal with it. Yep, you guessed it. It can be avoidance. Because while dating can be wonderful, it can take considerable emotional baggage to get to that point. Sometimes we'd rather avoid it all together.
Remember, avoidance is not necessarily a bad thing. Even if there is some avoidance present, that's not always a problem. A little healthy distraction is not a bad thing. You just need to keep in mind that casual "distracted" dating can suddenly turn into a relationship you weren't prepared for. If you know you're socializing primarily as a form of distraction, be honest with yourself and those you're dating. Set clear boundaries and perform an emotional and physical scan on a regular basis. If you are getting too far ahead of yourself or going too slow compared to the expectations of your family and social circle, you may face judgment and difficult conversations. If it's been a long time coming and you feel otherwise prepared, but logistics and guilt are getting in the way, avoidance is probably in play. As Brene Brown reminded us: we can avoid the resentment that comes from being vulnerable, but in doing so, we often also avoid the possibility of new positive feelings and experiences. If you know that avoidance is holding you back, that's okay. But keep scanning yourself internally for awareness and dare to step out of your comfort zone.
The Role of Guilt in the grieving process
One of the biggest uncertainties around "I'm ready" is guilt. It can be guilt about feeling like you are betraying your deceased partner, guilt about what it means to "move on" or "forget", guilt about upsetting your children or other family members. This is one area where we want to make something very clear: being prepared to socialize does NOT mean moving on or letting go. If you haven't heard my posts on grief and fear of letting go, I recommend you take a look at them. Grief is not about letting go of someone. It's about learning to carry them with you as you create space for new people and things. The amazing thing about love is that we have more than enough capacity for everyone. We can still love a person we've lost, remember them, keep them in our lives AND have room for someone new. aren't you convinced? When a mother has a second child, no one says "oh, that's too bad. You'll have to take your love away from the first child to give it to the second." That's not how love works. We have an expansive capacity that can encompass our past, present and future.
Well, well... we are beginning to understand.
But... my new partner / children / in-laws / friends / dog / cat / neighbor....
This is not always easy or intuitive for everyone: "it's too soon", "it's too late", "you should", "you shouldn't".... Remember, each individual is experiencing their own feelings. Sometimes, it is necessary to reduce the volume of opinions of people who are not relevant. And if you are concerned about the many other challenges that arise in this process of resuming, continuing, moving forward (call it what you will), don't worry, little by little we'll be able to move forward.
If you are dealing with the loss of a loved one, we invite you to explore our course "Grieving: How to Overcome the Loss of a Loved One ". You will learn practical and enriching tools from a holistic perspective to face and heal grief, find emotional balance and transform loss into wisdom.
We also invite you to be part of our course "Grief and Loss Support from a holistic perspective". If you wish to provide support to those going through grief and loss, this course will provide you with the necessary tools and knowledge to offer a compassionate and enriching accompaniment from a holistic vision.
With love,
Alejandra León,
🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏