A few days ago I read this letter to the polyp, and it reminded me of one of the works that we do with the accompaniment of women, their health and their emotions; it is perhaps a technique that you do not know, but it is quite positive when it is done from a sincere dialogue with the affected organ. Talking to your body is a way of getting to know it, of perhaps getting closer to that world unknown to you.
Remember that if you are going through a similar situation, you do not have to do it alone. We all need to talk, to listen to each other, to feel that someone is holding our hand and accompanying us. So do not hesitate to get in touch if you need that hand.
Letter to the polyp.
Dear polyp, or better don polyp; no, no, better polipillo; and how about polipinsky, alas! I don't know how to name you and I don't know where to place you either. Well, you, the gynecologist, the nurse and I know that you are located in my cervix, I don't know exactly in which coordinates. Taking as a starting point: the vulva, the vagina or the uterus, I don't know that either. How ignorant of me!
My issue with you goes beyond your location, it has more to do with the place you are occupying in my life these days. And not that you're all that important but in the meantime, you came to distract me from continuing to write my autobiography, as I had it planned. It's not that I keep thinking about you all the time, but just by coming to stand on my cervix, you distract me. What are you looking for, I thought, you need a little attention and then leave. Well, here I am, paying attention to you over my chapter "After the bobbins", that I was about to write.
See, I was just going for my routine tri-annual checkup with the gynecologist, it's been over three years since I've had one, that's why I call it tri-annual. I had also decided not to get sick again with gynecological issues, according to me, I would never stop at a gynecological office again because I would dedicate myself to self-managed gynecology. I was planning to buy my vaginal speculum kit, lubricating gel and light, get a borrowed camera so I could have day-to-day pictures of my vagina and cervix. But the truth is that I am so busy with so many things, that I have to take care of my own body as well. However, several situations led me to make the decision to visit the gynecologist, just to have a little check-up down there and see that everything is fine, the same with my breasts.
One of those situations was that in the last year and a half, on some occasions, my breast my left breast gave me more pain than usual in my premenstrual phase. Another situation, and as absurd as it may seem, is that these days I had a very strange dream. I dreamt that I was in a very erotic moment with my man, in which my breasts were very much involved. What was my surprise that when I got up and changed my clothes, my husband and I realized that my left breast had a mark on the areola, like a hickey. And seriously, polyp, we didn't do anything that night, I swear, well, only in my dream. I didn't say anything, I was afraid because from one year to date my dreams are very vivid and very revealing, but I think this time I went too far, hahaha. This fear was fueled by the memory of premenstrual discomfort.
A week after that dream, it was mijo's birthday, a day before her birthday I was remembering how I experienced my pregnancy, childbirth and postpartum. I wrote extensively about these events, and my uterus began to throb vigorously, as it did when I was pregnant. For two days I had my uterus throbbing, I really liked the sensation because I felt as if that part of my body had finally come to life, I felt very good with that feeling, it made me feel happy, I felt strong, alive, very, so to speak, very much a woman. For a moment I thought that maybe my cellular memory revived moments from eighteen years ago and I gave birth to my son again, but now as an adult, to cut the invisible umbilical cord that still linked him to me. Later, my friend Marce C., a friend who knows a lot about it, corroborated me that my deduction was very probable.
So with all this physical, emotional and psychological relaxation, I made the appointment with the gynecologist. On the not so expected day I dressed lightly and rushed to the foundation where I go for the check-up. I arrived, signed in and sat down for a while; seeing that there were eleven women before me, I went out to do a few things in the street. When I came back I sat down, took out my book and started reading, and about an hour and a half later the nurse called me. As always when I go to the doctor, with anyone, I try to wait as calmly as possible, but when I hear my name, I feel how something runs through my body from head to toe and vice versa, I sweat cold and I feel like running but in the opposite direction to the doctor's office. I have never been able to avoid that feeling, no matter how much I tell myself nice things internally, no matter how much company I take with me, no matter how brave I want to be or look, I always end up feeling that way. Could it be that I was taught that doctors are a bird of ill omen? Once the feeling had passed, I got up, I went very determined to the doctor's office, the doctor greeted me saying hello, what a miracle, he seemed a bit condescending... But I have to accept that I prefer that to not even being looked at and being treated like an ignorant person who does not deserve explanations, as others have done to me.
Dr. O. is a man in his fifties, middle class, white, dark-haired, and half-gay looking, the latter makes me feel confident, why is that? He asked me the reason for my visit. I just told him I was going for an annual check-up and confessed the years I hadn't been there. I told her about the slight discomfort in my left breast and she asked me to go to the side of the office with the nurse. There I was given the usual instructions, to undress and put on the blue cloth gown with the opening to the back. I decided, to make the breast exam easier and faster, to put on the gown with the opening facing forward. I sat down and shouted, "I'm ready! When O. saw me, he smiled and said: "why did you put on the gown like that, what are you going to show me everything?" And I cynically answered: "and what not?", then I opened my gown telling him that I was not ashamed to show my body, we laughed a lot and while we finished laughing he asked me to move my arms in certain ways to see my breasts. Everything looked fine, but to further analyze the discomfort, and because of my age, he sent me for a mastography, those x-rays where they flatten your breasts with a machine, leaving them as thick as a sticker.
Then she asked me to lie down on the gynecological bed. This time I also decided to do everything quickly and I settled in with my legs wide open, as wide as I could, so they wouldn't tell me as they always do: "lower yourself more and open your legs wide" because they make me feel useless and clumsy. I think my legs opened as wide as my mind has opened in the last few months. While I was chatting and blabbing with the gynecologist -I guess to pass the bitter pill of the entrance of the speculum and the nerve that it is going to hurt-, he was sniffing inside me, I asked things and he answered, then I saw something red on my cervix, I thought it was blood but the doc told me it was your polyp. He told me that you are not harmful but that you should be kept under observation to check that you do not grow more because you become annoying and even painful, like a blister, and if you burst it hurts like a blister. He explained to me that if you grow you should be burned to avoid discomfort. Burn it, I shouted to myself, because I didn't even think it was pork rinds. He asked me if there was any pain or bleeding between periods or when I have sex but I don't have any of that. He also said that polyps are benign formations that arise either from chronic inflammation, hormonal changes or poor blood supply. He also told me that very few women have them and that only in very rare cases can they become malignant. The truth is that I am very regular in my menstrual cycle and I have almost never had the famous premenstrual syndrome, except for a few occasions when my breasts become inflamed, which is also why I went there. I have no suspicious aromas, no pain when having sex, no discomfort of any kind. But then I remembered the palpitations of my uterus and I told her about it. I did not dare to tell him why I thought I felt them, nor did I tell him that they made me feel very much like a woman, because I feared he would label me as ridiculous, ignorant and even crazy. She told me that the best thing to do would be to do a pelvic ultrasound to see what was going on in the uterus. After the studies, he would decide what to do next. Well, I thought, "we will decide together, not you alone".
Later, talking with my wise friend Marce M., I asked her about some alternative treatment to eradicate you, yes, I know it sounds strong and you probably don't like this, but the truth is that I don't want you to bother me. She told me some remedies like sitz baths with white aloe vera and madre selva, and she was blunt: "take care of it, don't let it go, if you have to burn it, do it". Marce's advice was clear to me, there is no other way, you have to do what you have to do, with alternative or allopathic treatment. Something that marked me from what Marce told me was: friend, that is self-managed gynecology, self-managed gynecology, when you start to take charge of yourself and look for alternatives to take care of yourself. I cried because I realized, at that very moment, that I had always left my body and my health to others, in this case to doctors. Sexually, to my partners....
As the days went by I thought and thought why you appeared in my life, why in the cervix, at the door to the uterus, the center of creativity. All this without drama, I just love to question and reflect about what happens to me, just that. With the fact that every organ of the body is associated to a certain emotion and if we add to that what happens to us in life, plus food, plus the genetic load, plus traumas, frustrations, complexes, plus many other things, it gives me a lot to think about for a long time.
Over the days I also came to think a lot of nonsense like: "how did I get a polyp if I am Moon Mother?", "but if I am an ovarian breather, how come this happens to me?" "if I am highly spiritual, almost incorporeal, I should not get that", "if I dedicate myself to heal everything that has to do with the feminine", "if I am my own guinea pig...", "if I am my own guinea pig? And that's when I realized that I am also a body, in fact without flesh and bones, I wouldn't be here right now. My body is my vehicle and my body and my whole being is Oneness. Besides, in my forties, it is understandable that the body begins to manifest the passage of time.
Then I turned to the theories that hold that unaccepted emotions make us sick. I thought about whether you are really a disease or what. For a moment I even blamed myself for my emotions. But I am human and I am emotional. And I do believe in emotions, but I won't make the mistake of blaming myself for having them. But yes, I have a lot of work to do for a long time because there is a lot to accept.
Polipo, I thought you were a negative surprise in my life but now I realize that in reality you came to draw my attention to my own body because you are an extension of it, perhaps one whose only task is to remind me that I must take care of myself as no one else will.
Thank you pólipo for this teaching that you have brought to me, it is not the same to have the information in my mind than to live the things in my own flesh and that is when we need to apply all that we have read, heard, etc. That is why I decided to write to you because knowing that writing clarifies, with this exercise I realize that: I am accepting myself, I am accepting that I am not only spirit or ego, I am also body. In fact, I am neither spirit nor ego nor mind nor body, I am Unity. I realize that I am a vulnerable woman, for the simple fact of being alive, and that I have to take charge of myself now! I am in an age of changes and surprises and instead of worrying, I have to take care of myself. I am afraid but I know that I am not alone, there are many other women with whom I can accompany me and ask for advice in this process that is Life. There are also people with technical knowledge that I do not have and to whom I can go without giving them all the power over my body.
Polyp, writing to you is part of the treatment I have already prescribed for myself and that makes me feel more calm and secure, even though I know I cannot control everything but I can prevent it. While I go to the doctor's office to get the results of the clinical analysis, I am here, healing from where I can and want to. We will see with the doctor what we agree to give you peace, to give me peace.
Well polyporro, as you will see I have already paid attention to you, I have already dedicated a whole text to you. I also thank you for inspiring me to open a chapter of my autobiography that will be called "My body, my first space" as the beginning of my self-care.
Amma
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I hope this information has been useful to you, and if you want to work on your emotions, beliefs, fears and secrets... to improve your life as a woman, your well-being and emotional health, do not hesitate to contact me. Improve your life as a woman, your well-being and emotional health, do not hesitate to contact me.