Avoidance of pain is an important aspect for the bereaved person.
What is grief avoidance in bereavement and how does it affect people who are grieving?
Avoidance is broadly defined as, "Staying away from or avoiding doing (something)." At first glance, this does not seem to be a complicated concept. We probably consciously or unconsciously avoid something every day - I do!
Grief avoidance in bereavement is a coping mechanism that some people use to avoid facing the emotional intensity that arises after the loss of a loved one. It is a natural reaction to the sadness and suffering that can accompany the grieving process.
When someone avoids grief in mourning, they tend to repress or deny their emotions, looking for ways to distract themselves or avoid any situation that reminds them of the deceased.
When someone avoids grief in bereavement, they tend to repress or deny their emotions, looking for ways to distract themselves or avoid any situation that reminds them of the deceased person. Some common forms of grief avoidance in bereavement include:
**Different forms of grief avoidance in bereavement:
denial, distraction, isolation, among others.
When someone avoids grief in bereavement, they tend to repress or deny their emotions, looking for ways to distract themselves or avoid any situation that reminds them of the deceased. Some common forms of grief avoidance in bereavement include:
Denial: The person refuses to accept the reality of the loss and may act as if the deceased person is still present.
Isolation: Avoidance of contact with others and seeking ways to isolate oneself so as not to face sadness or support from others.
Distraction: The person becomes immersed in constant activities and busyness so that they do not have time to process their emotions.
Avoidance of talking about the loss: Conversations related to the death or the lost person are avoided to avoid sadness and grief.
Substance overuse: Some people resort to alcohol, drug or medication abuse to numb their emotions and avoid grief.
Avoidance of grief in bereavement can have negative effects on the healing process and adjustment to the loss. Although it may initially seem like a way to protect oneself from overwhelming grief, in the long run it can lead to more serious emotional and physical problems, such as depression, anxiety, social isolation, sleep problems, and relationship difficulties.
By avoiding grief, a person deprives themselves of the opportunity to process their emotions, which is essential for healthy coping with grief. Grieving is a natural and necessary process of adjusting to loss, and suppressing emotions can prolong sadness and hinder the ability to find meaning and move on.
It is important to remember that there is no single or "right" way to cope with grief, and everyone experiences it differently. However, seeking emotional support, talking about feelings, and allowing oneself to feel and express grief appropriately can facilitate the grieving process and emotional recovery. If someone is dealing with grief avoidance in grief, seeking support from friends, family or mental health professionals can be helpful in their healing process.
The importance of allowing ourselves to feel grief and sadness in order to move through grief in a healthy way.
Grief avoidance in bereavement may seem like an initial strategy to protect oneself from the emotional intensity that arises after the loss of a loved one. However, this approach can have negative consequences on the grieving process and on the individual's emotional and mental health. Some of the most prominent risks include:
Emotional stagnation: By avoiding grief, emotions related to the loss may be repressed, leading to emotional stagnation. Unprocessed emotions become trapped and may manifest unexpectedly in the future, making it difficult to move forward in the grieving process.
Grief accumulation: Avoidance of grief can lead to the accumulation of unexpressed emotions. Over time, this accumulation can become overwhelming and further hinder the healing process.
Blocking Healing: By avoiding grief, the natural process of healing and adjusting to the loss is impeded. Grieving is a necessary process for finding meaning and moving on, and avoiding grief can prolong this process.
Impaired mental health: Constant repression of emotions can lead to mental health problems such as depression, anxiety and chronic stress. These problems can affect the griever's quality of life and hinder their ability to function adequately in their daily lives.
Social isolation: Avoidance of grief can lead to social isolation, as the individual may avoid situations or people who may remind him or her of the loss. This can negatively affect interpersonal relationships and the emotional support needed during grief.
In the holistic healing approach, it is essential to approach grief holistically, considering the mind, body, and spirit. Rather than avoiding grief, healthy expression of emotions and the pursuit of coping mechanisms that promote healing are encouraged.
Some strategies for coping and coping with grief in bereavement without resorting to avoidance.
Conscious acceptance of emotions: Allow yourself to feel and experience all emotions that arise during grief, even the difficult and painful ones. Conscious acceptance involves observing emotions without judgment and without trying to suppress them.
Mindfulness practice: Mindfulness is a technique that allows you to be present in the present moment without judgment. By practicing mindfulness, you can observe your emotions and thoughts without reacting impulsively to them.
Creative expression: Find a way to express your emotions creatively, such as through writing, art, music or dance. Creativity can be a powerful tool for releasing and channeling emotional pain.
Communication and support: Seek the support of friends, family or bereavement groups who understand and can accompany you in your process. Sharing your feelings with others can be healing and comforting.
Grief therapy: Consider therapy with a professional who specializes in grief and holistic healing. A therapist can provide a safe space to explore your emotions and help you find healthy ways to cope with grief.
Connect with nature: Spend time outdoors and connect with nature. Nature has a healing ability and can help you find peace of mind and comfort.
Practice relaxation techniques: Incorporate relaxation techniques, such as meditation, deep breathing or yoga, to reduce the stress and anxiety associated with grief.
Farewell ritual: Create a personal ritual or ceremony to honor and say goodbye to the deceased. This can be a meaningful act to begin the healing process.
Self-care: Prioritize self-care and attend to your physical, emotional and spiritual needs during the grieving process.
Focus on the present and the future: While it is important to honor the loss, it is also necessary to focus on the present and the future. Set small, realistic goals to move forward in your life.
Now I ask you to take a minute to think about this example and identify what you think I am avoiding. Am I avoiding people and places? Technically yes, but why? The real reasons we stay away from these specific people or places come from a desire to avoid the unpleasant experiences and feelings associated with each of them, based on your own history and experience: so, following the example I avoid traffic, smoke, toxic, not finding parking, pain, uncomfortable encounters, and illness.
When we talk about avoidance with regard to pain, we generally mean avoidance of the experience. It is an attempt to block, reduce or change unpleasant thoughts, emotions or bodily sensations. These are internal experiences that are perceived as painful or threatening. They may include emotions linked to fear of losing control, feeling ashamed, not knowing how to handle the situation, being physically victimized by something; as well as feelings that include shame, guilt, hopelessness, meaninglessness, separation, isolation, etc.
Considering the above "Perceiving what is painful or threatening" is personal, often subjective. What is perceived as threatening to one person may seem totally irrational to another. Remember that all of this has to do with personal history, the meaning one gives to the experience and the impact that experience has had on one's life.
Why do we go into avoidance in grief?
The bereaved person usually has to go through a lot of memories (some of them traumatic), painful emotions, logistical problems, secondary losses, etc. At first, one may feel shackled by the weight of the all-consuming grief, but with time comes periods of semi-normality divided by waves of grief.
The onset of a wave of pain is sometimes predictable, but often not, and each new wave brings with it a sea of unpleasant thoughts, reminders, sensations and memories. For many people, the pain of grief brings to light the experience of feeling emotions of such magnitude and intensity for the first time (never having felt this way before) and, in response, physical, behavioral, and emotional reactions may arise that they are not comfortable with (not knowing how to react to the new emotion and experience). This may be particularly true for those people who have not yet developed coping skills or who have unsettled bonding bases.
Although grief is always unpleasant and uncomfortable, in some people there are aspects that seem very threatening and these (subjective) perceptions lead to attempts to control or avoid both feelings and reactions.
Some examples:
- I avoid the street where my wife had her accident because I am embarrassed to stand there and cry and not know what to do.
- I avoid going to church because the music reminds me of my loved one and I get emotional in public.
- I avoid the hospital because the smell will trigger overwhelming memories and I worry about panicking.
- I avoid crying, my family must see me strong.
- I avoid getting emotional, losing control or going crazy.
- I avoid sleeping at night because I am afraid of nightmares.
- I avoid cleaning things out of his room, or getting rid of because I fear losing my connection to him and him disappearing forever.
- I avoid looking at his pictures, memories because it hurts too much.
- I avoid talking about it,
- I avoid because I feel responsible.
Some manifestations of avoidance
- Substance use
- Filling oneself with work, activities, being 100% busy.
- Keeping busy all the time
- Isolation or withdrawal
- Avoiding people, places and activities for fear of triggering pain.
- Avoidance or denial of feelings and emotions.
- Lack of emotion and acting as if everything is fine.
The role of empathy in bereavement grief
From a holistic perspective on grief, empathy and understanding are like healing balms that nourish the soul and heart of those going through this process.
Empathy is the ability to put oneself in another's shoes, to understand their emotions and experiences from their unique perspective. When someone is grieving, empathy allows us to connect with their feelings and show a true understanding of their pain. Instead of offering solutions or empty phrases, empathy invites us to listen actively, without judgment, and provide unconditional support.
To be empathetic in grief, it is crucial to adopt an attitude of compassionate listening. Allowing the bereaved to express themselves freely without interruption or judgment creates a safe space for them to process their emotions. In addition, we can validate their feelings, recognizing that it is normal and natural to feel pain, sadness, and confusion in times of loss.
Understanding also plays a critical role in grief support. Through understanding, we recognize the complexity of the grieving process and respect that each individual experiences it uniquely. Understanding leads us to be patient and respectful of the different rhythms and expressions of grief, without pressuring the person to "get over it" quickly.
From a holistic perspective, empathy and understanding not only address the emotions, but also encompass the spiritual and physical aspect of grief. Understanding that the healing process is multifaceted and may affect different areas of the bereaved person's life allows us to provide holistic support.
Empathy and understanding also play an essential role in building a community of grief support. By connecting on an emotional level with those who are grieving, we create a network of support that promotes collective healing and sharing of experiences.
When is avoidance helpful?
Avoidance can be helpful, especially when dealing with one as painful and long-lasting as grieving the death of a loved one. During the first few days after a death, the feelings of grief can be overwhelming; however, there is a part of responding to ritual and traditions, planning the funeral, administrative issues, tying up loose ends, and meeting family and friends. It is often a scenario where crying is postponed these first few days, there is a need for resolution and in many cases avoidance.
Beyond the first days after a death or loss In our system, the bereaved must find a way to "control their emotions" in the weeks and months that follow. Bereaved parents can never take a break, students must go on and return to class, employees continue with work, we often return to our responsibilities within days or weeks after a loss, at best. For in many spaces, the next day we have to get up and go on.
Sometimes, avoidance helps the grieving process in small doses, this is one of the principles of the Dual Model of the grieving process: it states that the bereaved must oscillate between facing their loss (coping) and avoiding it (seeking respite). The right balance between being able to go through the pain without losing oneself in it and being able to cope with the loss in order to continue in life.
When can avoidance become detrimental to emotional well-being?
As stated above, avoidance can be helpful; for many people it can become a harmful cycle that persists to the detriment of personal health and well-being. Many mistakenly think that if they make efforts to avoid their feelings long enough, these unpleasant emotions will be held at bay or go away. The reality is that attempts to suppress certain thoughts, feelings and emotions only cause them to emerge in a more drastic, stronger or symptomatic way. (The body shouts what the mouth is silent).
While one is busy trying to avoid and control their pain, their world becomes smaller and more complicated. Fear of grief-related thoughts and emotions can begin to limit daily life behaviors, roles as a spouse, parent, friend, employee, etc. And thus and impacts the overall ability to be the person.
Some examples:**_ Some examples:_ Some examples:_ Some examples:_ Some examples:_
**A father who is too afraid to teach his son to drive, a woman who is heartbroken is afraid to fall in love again, a daughter who lives in a house full of her parents' heirlooms and there is no room for any more men in her life, a person who cannot sleep and starts taking sedatives, antidepressants to not feel the pain, etc. These people are somehow trapped in the past and their fear and block prevents them from living in the present.
Avoiding apparently painful stimuli may be beneficial immediately, but it is a short-term solution. It is like taking an aspirin to treat a broken arm; it may temporarily attenuate the pain, but if one does not go to the traumatologist to treat the broken bone, it may never heal, and with every movement, graze, blow, it returns to pain. The same happens with our grief emotions. Therefore, to have more understanding, perspective and compassion to the pain of grief, it is necessary not only the aspirin, but the accompaniment or grief therapy in case the pain of the soul is like a broken bone, in order to face it from the present, healing the past and visualizing a new future.
If you wish to go deeper into holistic psychology and energy healing, as well as explore ancestral and shamanic healing practices, I invite you to visit the following links that will provide you with valuable information:.
🌟 Discover your true value and cultivate a healthy self-esteem with Holistic Psychology**🎨
Coloring Book. Relieve stress, relax and practice art therapy